I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
