In the future we'll all be gay
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
