she woke up with a sticky ear
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I have already put on my inside pants.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
