I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
