Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
