I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
