My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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