VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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