I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
