Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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