Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
