somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So many bounce houses so little time
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
