This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
