1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
