Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
