I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
