How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
this just has baby written all over it
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize