I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Buhtt sex?
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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