Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
