and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
