I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
