i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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