I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
MIDGETS
????
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
