I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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