what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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