I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
