I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
