I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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