If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
