I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
