either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i think my mom watched the whole time
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
