I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
