she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
