Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
