I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize