none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
