i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i think i scared a bird with my dick
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize