Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
