I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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