the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
