I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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