bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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