and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
