3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
