Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
