i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
