Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You left your phone here
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