I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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