I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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