Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My vagina just recognized that song.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
