you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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