I can text with my tongue
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
