Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
