he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I didn't notice because vodka
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
