I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just google imaged poop.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
