John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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