its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
