you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
