I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
