the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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